An Old Journal Entry

I actually wrote this in November
of 2004 when I was 7 months
pregnant with Evan, our oldest
girl who is now 6.  I found it

today and thought I'd share it.

Dear Mom,                

So much has been on my mind lately; you have been a surprisingly large amount.  I don't always dwell on the negative, but lately everything seems so negative.  I miss you so much now.  So much more than a week ago, much more than a month ago... 

So much has changed since you left.

Do you even know about my life anymore?  You were always the one who bragged about me, who was dying to hear my thoughts and read my poetry.  I've never found anyone to fill your shoes in that department.  Who could possibly be as proud of someone as a parent?

I got a scholarship and went to college.  I made straight A's and got some of my poems published.  I became a youth leader at a church, lead the Praise and Worship, taught drama and watched students perform skits that I wrote myself... all excellent information for you to tell your friends, if you were here to know about all that.

I've become pretty good at taking pictures and guess what?  I take pictures of your grandson.  He looks and acts just like his Daddy!  He is so smart. You would love him so much and I know that you would find more things about him to brag on than you ever did me!

I wish you could have been there the day that he was born.  You would have stood at the nursery glass for hours just looking at him and pointing him out to everyone who walked by.  And now, Mom, I'm having a little girl!  I don't know what she is going to look like, but I know that you would have sat patiently next to me while you waited for her to move underneath the hand you would have placed on my big, round belly.  We would have shopped for pink outfits together and Christmas would be much more fun. 

I dream sometimes that I get a phone call telling me that you're alive.  That you saw a violent crime and had to be hidden in the witness protection program.  That you faked your death and now that it is safe, you are back in Malvern and I just show up at your doorstep and place Justus in your arms and we hug and cry and everything is all better.

Reality is so bitter.  No other woman has replaced you as my best friend, and I've looked!  I want to replace you.  I need to, but there is no one to do it.  No one who cares enough.  At least God knew what He was doing when He sent Nic to me early on.  At least Nic knew you enough to love you, at least you knew him enough to love him and approve.  He is the greatest joy in my life.  He has filled in so many gaps, but I still miss you from time to time. 

Pregnancy seems to make it worse- the longing to connect with your own mother as you become a mother.  I doubt this will ever get easier.  I still love you so much and I sure appreciate you more than I did when you were alive. 

And when all the mobsters are dead, come back from the witness protection program.  I'm here waiting.

I love you.

Grace Again

My mind had been racing with many thoughts over the last few months.  I've poured myself into studying scripture more thoroughly than maybe I ever have before.  I am consumed with knowing and understanding truth. 

It has been maddening at times.  The answers don't just appear right away.  It takes time and prayer and dilligence to unearth truth and to be sure of what God is revealing to you.  I always fear coming to conclusions to soon and placing my faith upon a false premise. 

But as maddening as it can sometimes be, there is great great joy in discovery.  When God reveals a truth to your heart, when you understand what He has been revealing- it is worth all the time and effort. 

I find, like the Israelites, I am forgetful.  I can so easily forget what God has shown me only weeks or months before.  Praise Jesus, He is faithful and long-suffering and He never leaves me to muddle through.  He just gently reminds me of the truth He had already shown me.  That was the case this time.  I was seeking answers to what I thought was a new question, turns out it was an old question phrased differently. 

Instead of just saying 'remember' and pointing it out, He spent 4 months taking me through just about every verse in scripture that dealt with this matter.  He would not let up and just answer my question or let me rest until He was done showing me what He wanted me to see.  Finally, FINALLY!!!, one day the questions fell away as He led me right back to the same revelation that I had 9 months ago... led me right back to my own blog post that had been written out of so much joy and overflowing love for a Savior who loves me so much.  Praise Jesus that He is such a willing and patient teacher and wanted to thoroughly silence my doubts!! 

And so because I needed a reminder, maybe you need a reminder too, that Jesus is everything we need and that His grace is unconditional and so so so Amazing!

Grace is NOT what you think it is

Our Journey Into Home School (part 2)

This post is based on my experience
alone and is not meant to condemn
or misrepresent anyone elses's
experiences or choices for their
own family.

Read Part 1

Once our first child was born, it didn't take long for me to begin researching my options regarding education.  I wasn't sure that I wanted to homeschool, but I was hoping to avoid the experience that I had once been through.  I was not willing to take the chance that my kids would be in the small number of children that manage to finish school unscathed.  I just felt it was wrong to gamble their mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, (and ever more increasingly, their physical well-being too) especially when the odds were not in their favor.

I can't remember exactly when or what sold me on homeschooling.  I know I had read a few books that reassured me that it did NOT take all day to teach a child what they need to know.  When you take out recesses, lunch, standing in line, bathroom time, passing out papers to 30 students, etc., then actual instruction time is actually quite minimal.  I also learned that there are many, many, many different schools of thought about the best way to educate.  Homeschooling is as diverse as the homeschoolers themselves.  From using textbooks and doing 'school at home', to never opening a textbook and only reading 'real' or 'living' books, to unschooling that follows the childs interests and needs... there is a style that fits each family.  Many families mix and match styles- a little of this, a little of that.

From there, I looked into the success of the schools themselves.  Is there something the schools could offer my child that I couldn't that would be worth taking the risk?  But there wasn't.  There are many books, articles, statistics, and documentaries that chronicle how our schools are failing our children on pretty much every level.  It is hard to find a parent or teacher or principal or citizen who don't think the schools could use some major improving.  Please don't misunderstand me here... I don't place all the blame on the schools and definitely not on the majority of teachers.  There are many factors in place that would not allow good change to be made even when the school is ready and willing to rise up and make it.  Teachers are often hamstrung to teaching to the test instead of engaging young minds.  The system is at fault from the top down.  

I began to consider my own education and what it consisted of- mostly memorizing for a test.  I know I took geometry for a year.  I worried over that class and spent hours doing homework for that class... all that time wasted because I hated every minute of it and know next to nothing about geometry today except what I relearned as practical to real life.

Why do the schools get our kids for 7-8 hours a day, the best of their day, and when they get home, sometimes tired or upset from events at school, we have to be the responsible one and force them to do 2+ hours of more homework?  Why are those 7 hours of being a full time student NOT enough!?  Kids in college are discouraged from taking more than 17 hours of college classes each week.  To take more than that, you usually have to get special permission.  Our kindergarteners are almost getting twice that.  Yes, the work is different, but why do we think a 5 year old needs to be away from home for 35+ hours a week to learn their ABC's and how to count and write their name?

Somewhere along the way, our society has lost something important.  We now value academics more than we value the person.  We have placed academics on a pedalstool and anyone who doesn't strive for it and anyone who doesn't reach it at the correct, 'expert' agreed-on pace is labeled and dismissed and shrugged off as less than.  Being good at something, being spectacular at something, is not even good enough... not without a piece of paper that says you are.

There are literally hundreds of reasons why we homeschool.  But when we sifted through all the great reasons, there was always one that compelled us more than the rest.  We believe that God has called us to this purpose.  The more we read in the Word, the more convicted we became that we were put here to disciple the children that He gave to us.  I couldn't read Deuteronomy 6 anymore without feeling a tug from the Spirit to live out it's verses.  How do I train up a child that I am rarely with?  If Jesus is my example and He discipled His followers by living everyday life with them, shouldn't I be doing the same?  What happens if I give my child to an environment filled with a diversity of different beliefs and ideals?  Shouldn't I expect them to come to the conclusion that all truth is subjective?  If the teacher says this is ok, but mom and dad don't, it seems like only a matter of time before they simply hide undesirable behavior from mom and dad.

I love homeschooling.  For our family, it has proven to be the right decision.  I have loved watching my kids learn to read, even when they struggle with a new concept.  I love being there to answer their questions, to read a book to them, to make up silly games to help them learn new things.  We get to be creative and we get to pursue whatever interests us.  Yesterday it was who invented the car, the day before that it was the human body, before that- 'how big is my baby sister?' (or brother), before that- 'how far is it from Minnesota to Rio?' 

Every day is new and interesting and no two days are alike. 

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. "

Robert Frost

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Deuteronomy 6:4-7



Our Journey Into Home School (part 1)

This post is based on my experience
alone and is not meant to condemn
or misrepresent anyone elses's
experiences or choices for their
own family.

Yep, that's pretty much us! Except we are not sponsoring a Haitian, she's from Rwanda...

And my kids aren't quite yet doctor material, but they have some mad lawyer (read: arguing) skills.

But seriously, we are a homeschooling family and we really, really love it (most days).

Our Journey Into Homeschooling
(the dark side of socialization)

My husband and I did not have a stellar school experience.  I was a sensitive kid and probably would have done well with a little more sheltering.  I cried a lot in kindergarten.  I just wasn't ready to be in an environment with total strangers for 7 hours a day.  I remember hanging out with a group of girls, all of us the grand age of 5, and being made to choose whether to play with them or to choose to play with a friend I had made that they didn't like and wouldn't allow in their group.  I remember the girl's face as she walked away to play by herself.  Those girls would later do the same thing to me.

As I grew older, I learned to navigate the system and I made a few good friends.  I was always excited if a 'popular' kid talked to me or played with me that day. I was encouraged to try to make friends with them.  Being popular was desirable, although looking back, I'm not sure why.

Junior High and High School would have a much more traumatic effect on me.  So many kids seemed to make it their goal in life to belittle others.  If that weren't bad enough, going through puberty with a teenage audience is just cruel, I don't care who you are.  To top it all off, I finally left school in the middle of tenth grade after several rounds of sexual harrassment.

I often wonder who I would have become if I had been homeschooled.  If I had never doubted my worth or based it on how someone had treated me that day.  Of course, I would have eventually met people who didn't like me or were rude, but if my young, developing years had consisted of people who loved me, teaching me all the things I needed to know, encouraging a love of learning, and modeling how to navigate the good and the bad and the ugly of life... maybe, just maybe I wouldn't have lived the agonizing mentality of feeling socially awkward and unlikable for so many years.  Who would I have become if my spirit had not been broken at an early age?

My husband's experience was different than mine.  He excelled in sports and was out-going.  He was also defiant and rebellious and fell in with the not-so-legal crowd.  He has many regrets and painful memories.  He often says the only things he learned in school were things that would put you in jail.

The educational aspect of school wasn't any better.  Everything I learned and retained from school could have been taught to me in one year instead of 12.  So much of school is repetitive.  It seems so much wiser to wait until a child is ready and interested in something and teach it then.  No one can force you to learn something.  I retained a lot of information just long enough to take a test and then forgot it almost immediately because there was no relevance for the information at the time. 

I have always loved learning, but I have learned more outside of school then I ever did within it's walls.  We learn by experience, we learn by curiosity, and we learn best when we are genuinely interested in the information before us.



My Conclusion

I have read Darwin and Dawkins, Hitchens and Hawking.  I have watched youtube clips and documentaries and read volumes on evolution vs. creation theory.  I have researched scientific discoveries and carbon dating methods.  

I have read Lee Strobel and C.S. Lewis and Michael Behe.  I've read both the church fathers and the unbelieving philosophers of both ancient times and this current century.

Through all my years of seeking, all this intentional education has taught me is that Christians are biased to Christanity and atheists are biased to atheism.  The same scientific information that compels me to believe in a God and convinces me of His greatness, simultaneously convinces the atheist that there is no God.  Two men with two very different worldviews will not come to the same conclusion about such things.  Even I have heard Christians that are convinced of evolution and non-believers that attest that the universe points to an intelligent designer.

There is much information, many religious 'sacred' texts, many worldviews, many cultures and ways of living.  I have read the Koran and looked into the insights of Buddha and Confucius.  I have seen the ugliness of humanism and living only for yourself.

But having looked fully into the face of many other things, (although most assuredly not all of them), I still believe in the faith once delivered to the saints.

But I know that my Redeemer lives...

In all my reading and searching in the words and ways of man, no words have ever burned within me like the words in Red.  No reasoning ever compelled me to love the man that wrote it, except the words of the One who says I have become His friend.  Dawkins cannot create something that would leave me breathless as the sunrise, as the majesty of nature.  Hawking has never answered a prayer within minutes of my asking and with perfect detail.  No other Word has ever brought healing and strength that lasted.

God has given us just enough 'light' to let us choose.  If He revealed Himself more clearly, then we would not have a choice to place our faith in Him.  If He hid Himself more, then none would have a chance to find Him.  He allows us our freedom to live the way we want.  We can say no to Him.  We can choose not to love Him. 

But for those that seek, we find.  The more of Him you want, the more you will receive.  I love Him for His lovingkindness, His patient endurance of me and my drama.  I love Him for letting me choose Him and not forcing obedience.  Every day I must choose again.  (As it has been said- the problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar.) 

I have never regretted choosing Him.  I can't wait to spend every moment in His presence.  To be in His presence is to truly, breathlessly, be fully and passionately ALIVE!

It is hard to understand, difficult to comprehend that a Being could be self-existing.  Harder still to comprehend a God that wouldn't simply demand obedience, but would offer love... enough love to compel Him to enter our race and die to reconcile us to Himself.

While I live on this earth, in this current body, my faith and my doubts will war.  The loud, chaos of life; the amount of human suffering, the times when God stays His hand and does not reach out to heal as I prayed He would... they yell at me that there is no God, or He doesn't care, or He can't help.

But in the quiet, in the aftermath of the storm, I hear the Voice, I feel the peace and comfort.  The rugged, scarred hand holds me and I know that He knows just what I'm feeling, knows just what I'm going through.  He aches with me and He whispers, "Behold, I have come to make all things new."  And I can't escape Him and I wouldn't want to.  The longer I've walked with Him, the better I know Him, the more I trust Him, the more that those screaming doubts can't make me deny Him.


"Listen, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and have dinner with him, and he with Me."
Revelation 3:20

The Kingdom

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.

When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy

went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Matthew 13:44

Once upon a time many years ago in a land across the sea, there lived a man and his wife and their children.  As he walked home one day, he cut across a empty field to shorten his walk.  Half way through the field, his boot caught on something and caused him to trip and curse.  He turned to see what had faltered him, only to discover the corner of a crate.  He began to dig until he had uncovered the entire top. The crate lid lifted easily and inside was a burlap sack. 

He peeked inside and what he saw made his eyes grow wide and his mouth hang open in amazement.  Never in his life had he seen so much treasure.  Sparkling gems and gold coins had been resting patiently, waiting for someone to find them.  The bag was too heavy for one man to pick up, and besides, he didn't feel right just taking so great a treasure from a field he didn't own.  He had done nothing to earn it.  The man put the wooden lid back on the crate and re-covered it with dirt.  He hid it better than it was before and checked to make sure that no one had seen him. 

When the man reached his home, he threw open the door and grabbed his wife by her hands.  He spun her around, laughing and dancing.  She was wide eyed, but happily went along with his antics, wondering what had gotten into this man of hers.  Finally he stopped spinning and paused to catch his breath. 

"Pack up what we must keep and sell everything we can spare!  I have a surprise for you that nothing can compare! Haha!"

"What is it?!" she asked with excitement as he turned and left out the door.

"No, time to talk now."

The wife gathered her children and they began to drag their belongings out of the house into the front yard.  A sign went up that invited everyone to make an offer.  By the next day, everything had been sold, even the house itself.

The man took the money to town to buy the land, but found that he could not just purchase the field.  The field was in the middle of a huge parcel of ground that had been famlily owned for hundreds of years.  The stipulation was that if it was to be sold, it must be sold as one piece, it could not be divided.

The cost would be great, but the worth of the treasure was greater.  The only thing he had left to sell was his business that he had built with his own sweat and blood.  He had worked 15 years to make his business a success.  He had given up many things for it to grow, including many nights of sleep.  Now that all his hard work had paid off, he was faced with selling off the work of his hands.  He hesitated only a moment, knowing that the riches found in the field were worth more than he could ever make in a lifetime.  The hurt of giving up his business was a pain of giving up his identity and being willing to take on a new one.

He came home to his wife and children that night with the deed to the field in his hand.  They had nowhere to sleep but a borrowed tent.  They walked to the field so he could show them what he had bought.  He showed the kids the right spot to dig and they dove in with youthful exuberance.  Once the treasure was uncovered for the whole family to see, there was jumping and leaping and praising God!  Their happy celebration went long into the night. 

Anyone who passed by that evening muttered about the foolishness of the family that was celebrating in an empty field after they had just willingly sold everything they owned and spent every dime they had.   

(The man still had not earned it, but he had done everything it required of him to fully possess it.)  

Glory

It has been an interesting eighteen months, a year and a half of extremes.  I have been the sickest I have ever been, and the healthiest.  We have had the most money we have ever had, and we have struggled.  We have had the biggest upset and the biggest blessing.  I have had amazing spiritual highs and unfortunate spiritual lows.  

How life can change so fast still amazes me.  One moment everything is fine and in the next you can be catapulted into a realm you never dreamed you'd have to face.  In the same way, one moment life can seem hopeless and something as simple as a phone call can change it all around.

But spiritually, I have felt like I have been walking into a dark cloud.  Not that I have been depressed or upset, but more like I have felt confused.  I have been unsure of where God has been leading us and it has made me uneasy, anxious.  I have prayed about it, but seemed to not be getting any answers.  I would cry out, and God would give me just enough (and I mean just enough and no more) to know that He was still with us, but  I still had no clue as to the direction he wanted us to go.  I have never had an easy time waiting on Him and it is good for me to practice that, but it is always hard to be patient when you are not even quite sure what you are being patient for.

I finally realized that He has been working on some issues of mine behind the scenes (which I hope to write about later) that I could see had to be taken care of before we could move on in this amazing faith journey.  But still, it wasn't enough to satisfy me.  It wasn't enough to convince me to trust and be still and wait for His direction.  I wanted answers and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.  Where do we go from here, I'm tired of limbo- I want the promised land!

My prayers involved these themes:

God, what do you want me to do?

God, what is your plan for my life?

God, how do I do this and this?

God, where are good friends and encouragers for me?

And on and on, any variation you can imagine, I was praying it.  But then I read a story on another blog about this woman who lives her life for the gospel in Uganda.  And she said:

"I look up. And His voice is so much louder than satan’s. “I have entrusted you with much and I have demanded of you much. But only with me will your life bear much. So run. Run and run and run into my arms. Run. Run and run and run into this world sharing this story that has Me at the center. This making of disciples, it is my business. And I am with you always and my burden is light. I spill through your brokenness and I will be glorified. I promise. I will be glorified.” And that is all I want." (bold emphasis, mine)

And it hit me!!  I have been praying all me centered prayers, yes they may be good desires, but at the heart of it all was ME!  And the heart of it all should be HIM!!  And second- people other than ME!

The truth of that revelation once again brought me the freedom that I had once found and apparently so quickly forgotten.  I had become very caught up in trying to figure out what God wanted me to be doing, that I forgot it was to be spending time with Him; that is His heart for us- to know us and be known by us.  That is what is contained in the whole of scripture- it is not simply a moral code for good behavior, it is insights into the heart and character of God.

So until God is ready to reveal the next leg of this journey to us, we will be waiting in the wings, soaking up the scripture, and praying simply that in everything we do and in everything that happens, that God will get glory from our lives.  Ultimately, I couldn't ask for anything grander than that.