Grace is NOT what you think it is

When this song first played on the radio, it instantly became one of my favorites.  Not only did I love the sound, but it really summed me up.  I had been freed by Christ but I was not free IN Him.  I was still chained to my failures, mess-ups, and can't-live-up to's. I wanted to live in the Spirit, but felt bound to the flesh.

I couldn't figure out why I could not live the Christian life.  I read my Bible, prayed often, and I was a most faithful church attendee.  Why did I still feel so bad about my spiritual walk?

There was no joy, no peace, no rest; the yoke was not easy and the burden was not light. 

I felt like I was a perpetual disappointment to God. 

How could I not be?  I was a disappointment to myself.

But God knew my desire was to live the life He intended for me to live, the abundant LIFE.  He had no intentions of leaving me to flounder in misconceptions and religious legalism.  So He called us out.

We felt led to leave our home church and pray until God showed us where He wanted us to go.  We weren't sure where He was leading, we just knew we had to follow.  The months that followed involved hurt and bitterness and anger as rumors were spread about us and friendships crumbled.  People didn't understand that we were seeking God's will and following after Him.  They felt betrayed by us because we left.  I would wake up on Sunday mornings feeling so guilty that I wasn't in a church somewhere.  We even visited a few just to make me feel better.  But God was silent on the issue of going to church.  Nic and I both felt that He was wanting us to stay home.

One Sunday morning, I was crying in the bed, wanting to go to church so badly, and God spoke to my heart.  I realized that I had felt good about myself when I went to church.  It didn't matter what I did the rest of the week, what sins I committed- pride, laziness, vanity, talking about others- going to church made me feel like I had done something for God.

And this is true for the majority of the church in America.  Somehow along the way, we have become the Pharisees of old, we have made church attendance and tithing the measuring stick of a good Christian life.

It wasn't long after this revelation that God, through a few good writers and a lot of scripture, gave me a glorious glimpse of His Son and His ageless plan.  I no longer understood it with just my head, it was getting into my heart and changing my life.  I was so excited and we felt like God did not want us to go back to a corporate church setting, but to simply meet with other believers in our home.

Fast Forward a year from when we left 'church' and I am driving in my car listening to the radio and this song, Freedom, comes on.  I am singing it at the top of my lungs when I stop mid-chorus and the tears roll down my face.  I realized something phenomenal, almost unbelievable. 

I don't feel that way anymore!

And I haven't for a long time.  I no longer felt chained, no guilt, no pressure.  Is that even possible I wonder, that I am so free in Christ that I no longer feel enslaved to the duties that I am 'supposed' to perform? 

But it is and the burden that was heavy is light, and the yoke that crushed is easy!  There is rest and peace in the middle of my chaotic day and there is a feeling of joy that transcends every circumstance!

I am no longer trying to earn or work for His love or be worthy of it, I JUST ENJOY IT!

I have never believed that you had to work for your salvation- it is a gift.  But for many of us, we want to be good and work hard for God to repay Him for all He has done.  We try to earn His pleasure.  But it is unnecessary and burdensome.  When we try to be good and commit to doing something for God, we are actually acting out of the flesh and not the Spirit.  That is why we always fail at it.  That is why I was so miserable. 

God wants us to KNOW Him.  He wants us to love Him.  All goodness and holiness flows naturally and easily out of having a relationship with Him.

Scripture is coming alive in my life.  I no longer (or at least rarely) worry about tomorrow.  I find it easy to be thankful if I have everything I need for just the day.  So many tasks that I once found so grieviously hard are simple and joyful.  The Spirit makes it so.  I don't have to worry about my failures.  God already knows that I am going to mess up some and He gently corrects me and I continue on in our relationship with no feelings of condemnation--cause there is no condemnation in Christ!  I come to Him boldly, not ashamed.  I rejoice and pray and love and all good things come from Him, through Him.

I wish I could define the SPECTACULAR change that has happened in my mind and heart.  I wish I could convince more people to give up their work-to-please-God lifestyle and fall backwards into an ocean of Grace. 

Jesus loves me, this I know...

My heart breaks for the church.  Not the living, breathing, Body of Christ, but the organized religion that does not understand grace, cannot teach grace, does not give grace. 

The church cannot understand grace because it needs the law to survive.  It requires faithful attendance and tithing to sustain itself.  Without these components, it would not exist.  It is necessary that it's members volunteer to carry out the organization's intentions.  Sometimes people are shamed, harassed, or pushed into these positions.  They carry a burden that they were never meant to bear.

God does work in the church.  He is not limited to our misunderstandings.  He reaches everyone He can, anywhere they are.  He taught me so much through the church.  But... I was so crippled by it's inherent message and only found true grace and LIFE outside of it's doors.  I hurt for the many God lovers who are in the same place I was.  I love the church and my heart desires nothing more than the chance to tell them about grace and see their eyes light up as the burden of 'duty' is lifted.

And yes, the church tries to teach grace, we hear about it every Sunday.  Everyone's favorite song is Amazing Grace.  But the message is only half of the whole.

Grace cannot exist with terms.  It is unconditional by nature.  When we hear from the pulpit that we have to do these many things to be Christians and not do these other things- we are placing conditions on grace.  Christ is the condition of grace, nothing more, nothing less- for there is nothing more we could need, He is all sufficient.

It can be hard to trust God to be our goodness, we feel there are so many things we must do.  So many people we must impress.  It has taken many years for God to untangle the theological legalism that I believed.  It took a full year for the dawning light of grace to shine its brightest in my life.  But I cannot stifle the excitement.  I literally want to jump up and down and scream like I won the lottery- I AM FREE!

Every cell in my body wants to run out the door and find someone to reveal His grace to.

And that brings me to the next leg of this beautiful, outrageous journey.

I have been shown grace, I have received it.  Now I must learn to give it to others.  It took 27 years of life to understand and truly experience grace.  The next 27+ are to be spent lavishing grace on others the same way He has lavished it on me. 

What a sacred and holy undertaking.  How humbling and intimidating.  To show His love, to share His grace with others no matter where they are, who they are, or what they have done or are doing.  I know, I know, that I am inadequate for this job.  Sometimes it is hard to show grace to my own children.  But I know, I know, Who will be with me through every success and failure.  I know who will lead me every step and refine me.  I know that I can trust Him and that it will not be too hard for me because He is sufficient for my every need. 

Grace was not what I thought it was...it is so much more Amazing than I ever imagined.